Never Let Go…

25 Jul

Change is good.  At least this is what I am told, but what I know to be true for certain is that change at the very least is uncomfortable and frequently painful.  This year (and yes I know that it is only July) has represented such tremendous change and so many challenges, that you can almost feel the breeze as the page in my Book of Life turn.

We have faced the loss or near loss of those we have cared about.  My heart has ached like it never has before.  I have realized how fragile the lives of people, and our children in particular, are.  I have to say I am severely displeased with this realization and it has upset my understanding of the universe.  Like many things our cognitive knowledge of something is so often way easier to deal with than our experiential knowledge.  I have found myself more closely scrutinizing every move, statement and gesture my children make ensuring that I don’t overlook signs of distress or illness.  I find at times I relax and then some episode will violently slap me back into my new, harsher reality and I am more attentive than ever.  ironically this tends to cause my children to be even more unhappy and more distressed.

I have seen what only a few years ago was a consistent and stable financial situation in our family become dire and often frightening.  Years ago I stubbornly said that no matter what the circumstances we would never allow our home to be in jeopardy.  I’ve learned this year just how easy it is to find yourself in circumstances so far beyond your control that no matter how fiercely you dig your nails in, some things will slip away.  I’ve been humbled by being forced to ensure my children’s basic needs are met by filling out endless reams of paperwork assuring strangers that I no longer have the means to care for their needs independently.  I cannot look at any aspect of my day to day life that has been salvaged as the result of a gift, scholarship or financial aid of some sort.  I am confident that there is nothing “immoral” in seeking this help, but it hurts not to be able to go to your own bank account to grant your children’s wishes or even meet their needs.

I have seen every element of my life shaken and turned.  I have seen friends drift away and truths dissolve.  I find myself apprehensive about my abilities and questioning my purpose and even on bad days my value.

I sit here on the night before we are to take our puppy, our 15-year-old puppy, in to be euthanized.  Each breath she takes is labored; her heart pounds unsuccessfully and her body and eyes grow weaker each day.  Our family is about to suffer another blow – another change.  Another instance where something that was absolute and forever isn’t.  I know that there are much greater tragedies in the world than the death of an ancient family pet.  But I also know that each new blow that this fragile family endures could be our undoing.

I suppose these are the moments that I am thankful for my faith.  Unlike everything else in my life that is subject to change – change in health, change in finances, change in jobs, change of address – through my faith I have a strength that can remain the same.  This one truth, this one reality is the only thing that ensures that I can accept the dissolution of every other truth and what I accepted as reality.  It is through my confidence that God has a greater day planned – clearly not a day I have planned – that I am able to move forward at all. 

I often look to the book of Job.  I know that most wouldn’t consider this a chipper book, but it is through my reading in this book that I know that I am not intended to understand why there is suffering and sorrow.  I am not sophisticated enough to get why I must endure these painful transitions.  The reassurance in this is that, firstly, God does understand and is on my team and, two, thankfully my lack of understanding is actually normal and appropriate.

I rely on Jeremiah 29:11:  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

In each hardship, each trial, each change and heartache, I know that God is by my side and He will never ever let go of me and that someday – hopefully sooner than later – there will a time when things will once again align themselves giving me rest.  For now, while I wait for this day to come, i will endure.  I will persevere.  I will live in the peace in knowing I don’t have to be in charge of this bit.  I will stand on God’s promises to care for me as if I were all of creation.

I guess in some respects I am suggesting that while most of our life, we feel alone without a net – in a greater and larger – and yes more intangible way – our faith (in whatever way it manifests itself) can serve as the net that we need in order to continue to swing on the trapeze and to let go when we need to.

I know I’m not normally so religiously focused in my writing, but tonight I felt like this is where my chatter should go.  The fact is, every day and everything I do, say and write is ultimately religiously focused – it’s just not normally so overt.  I’ve attached a link to a song that always jives for me when I am loosing sight of the big picture – maybe it will help you make it through your next rough day too.

\”Never Let Go\” by Matt Redman via Youtube

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One Response to “Never Let Go…”

  1. Trish July 25, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

    I am so sorry about Abbs. She’s the last of my puppies.

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